When I first heard of this situation, nine years ago, I was swept away with the activity of the family to help, to give aide to this fresh widow in a bind. The siblings might not have known the full extent of chaos, but I think some knew that things were not as they should be, not as they once were. The deceased partner had battled cancer for a number of years, and physically could not manage his stuff any more.

The widow, the sister, did not reach out during this time because he would not allow it. She could not touch his stuff, the piles, he locked up outbuildings and kept the keys with him until his death.

If the family had just pushed through a little further those nine years ago when the situation was realized, if the family had finished the job then, we would be in a less terrifying position now. We being two people, nine years older and much less driven to do the dirty work. Much less driven.

After my initial reaction – which was not kind, or helpful – I had to quickly reorganize my outward reactions, because I risked shutting him down and abandoning him to work through this alone. I couldn’t push him to force help from the siblings, because I could see that there was nothing coming from those directions. We are all nine years older now, and some are not able.

After three days of anger, frustration and fury at times – I realized that we needed to set personal boundaries. These would be rules we could fall back on to reign us in when the project began to spiral. It is bound to spiral, as we enter into the practical bits. The collections that will come to light. The money spent on these items, the emotional dreams that are attached to them. Whenever husband goes to visit her, he comes home with toys, which are sometimes squirreled away in our garage.

My boundary #1 : Monitoring energy levels. I will step in if I see signs of mental / physical strain. I will call ‘halt’, I will time him out. We will not be sifting though her stuff.

My boundary #2 : No stuff will enter out property. This includes the house, the garage, husbands workplace, our vehicles. No stuff.

When my sister died in 2018, I ended up with a cedar chest full of filled colouring books. She was ill with a lung disease and all she could do was read, watch television and colour. I recycled them. There were dolls as well, two of them, which went to charity. That is nothing compared to what is coming.

Once upon a time I used to sell things on eBay, and made a little cash. I was twenty years younger. Over the last nine years, while health was good, SIL could have sold stuff on marketplace, but she did not. Now it will somehow go. Somewhere. Not my house.

My boundary #3 : This project or endeavor will not infringe upon our travel time. We’ve waited many, many years to travel. We had four children and very little money. During the pandemic we purchased a comping trailer and during the summer love to camp. We are going on vacation for a week in April, to Lisbon, to walk the hills and stairs while we are able. Travel and vacations and adventure cannot be put off for a year, because we don’t know what next year will bring.

I talked to husband about my boundaries. I was sick with a cold probably exacerbated my stress, but we talked and he agreed that boundaries would help.

Husband’s boundary #1 : He will not use any holiday time to this situation. He has limited vacation time, and enough said, it goes with my boundary #3. Sometimes he will take a week and chill with a project at home, but that is his choice.

Husband’s boundary #2 : No physical work.

In years past he was the youngest in the family with energy to share. Energy to spare. Energy has to be coddled and loved. I know I’m making us out to be ancient beyond our years, but we know where we want to expend physical energy. Kitchen cabinet building left over from last summer. Model train layout goals. Gardening – and commuting to work. Again – not retired.

Husband’s boundary #3 : Financial.

I hadn’t even thought of this one. It takes money to pay for giant waste bins. It takes money to pay for people to take away stuff. The money will have to come from somewhere.

So, boundaries have helped to still the panic.

There will be more clarity in a weeks time after we view the property with our real estate agent. We will find out options, SIL will find out options.