Shame is Useless

This morning I had a dream of a childhood friend, who I haven’t seen since around 2010 or 2011. In 2011 I had surgery for kidney cancer, and somehow in the aftermath of that time of personal trauma, I found that two of my close friends had vanished. I have wondered whether I did or said something online, on a Facebook page while I was on the internet late at night after two many glasses of red wine. Maybe I unfriended, maybe I wrote something, I have no idea.

I was angry for a long time after that. They didn’t know if I had lived or died, whether I was dying. I was hurt. And the silence continued, and still does. I sent Margaret a Yule card one year, back in 2013 or 2014, and didn’t hear anything back.

I reached out to Gail a couple of years ago and after a small recap of life, that too didn’t come to anything.

And I have carried guilt and shame at these losses. I have felt unworthy and I have felt lonely. I have pulled back from other relationships and I have built boundaries that are a little too high for most people to jump.

This morning while writing my daily pages, after this dream of Margaret, I finally thought of forgiving myself. I forgive myself for being a bad friend. I forgive myself for not being a perfect person. I forgive myself for losing these two women in my life, and I will allow my shame and my guilt to fade away.

Cancer showed me that life is so quickly snatched from us, and when you are fighting for your life other stuff is set aside.

Forgiveness. I also forgive them, for sucking as friends. But most of all, I am allowing myself to move on.

Mid life invisibility or I feel ill.

Last September I found myself rather suddenly unemployed. After months of planning, my spouse [who I worked with] had found a new position, at a competitor, and I was promptly dismissed. Not so surprising, although ex-employer behaved poorly, and has been a bit of a prick, with threats of lawsuits and trying to lure husband into reacting, which he has not done.

This post is not about that situation, which we are still basking in the afterglow of freedom from this miserable narcissist, but about being mid life and breaking into a new type of work. After years in administration, I went for a barista position at a popular coffee establishment, and my first ever time working in the food industry.

I am the oldest there by at least 10 years, and find myself this winter, realizing how invisible I am as a middle aged person. I have always felt youthful, and am physically strong and quite fit. I do notice that I don’t multitask at the speed of sound like the younger ones in their 20s, but I don’t think I would ever have moved that quickly.

What I notice is the absence of curiosity towards me. When you meet new people, and find out what they are taking in school, or what they did on the weekend, or talk about partners or children, they are not as interested in finding out about me. Maybe I come across as too private? Not sure.

The last months of winter have worn me down, worry about daughter’s pregnancy, husband having hand surgery, my own annual cancer check in March, plus I have just come down with my third cold since February, after around 3 years not being ill. I am miserable, my house is covered in cat hair and dust, my 16 year old cat is hyper thyroid and beyond annoying. The two adult children living here are not seeing me either, and I wonder if it is something new, or did I create this cocoon eons ago?

Now that spring is here, I have a new manager at work. She is in her 40s, and the ceaseless chatter on the work WhatsApp has quieted to a degree. I have 5 shifts in a row, am I annoyed? Only because I am low energy. The trails are open, and we are eager to get back to our weekend hikes. There is good happening, I just feel worn down, and a little washed out.